One Of Those
by SweetThing2
Summary: Luke reflects on his relationship with Lorelai, among other things. 1/1.


One Of Those 

**Author: **SweetThing

**Disclaimer**: I don't own a thing, tragic isn't it? *sniff* Now I'm all verklempt!

**Author's Note**: Well, inspiration struck me big-time, and once I started writing, I couldn't stop. Everyone's thoughts about this would be wonderful. This is in Luke's POV, you read right, lol.

**Dedications**: Elise, for just being her, and beta-ing this on the spur of the moment, and all the Java Junkies I know, including Marissa, who's lovely.****

Everyone wants that first kiss. Everyone wants to be hopelessly romantic, and everyone, I can tell you right now, fantasizes about it. There's not a person out there who doesn't, even if they won't admit it. 

Like me. 

I am "one of those people." One who doesn't dare stray away from his daily routine, only thinks about what enters his head during the course of the day: standard, where-the-hell-is –that-table's order stuff. No one would really think, that I, Luke Danes, king of Practical, Logical, and Sensible, would allow my mind to stray to…other things. There are many "other things" that enter the average person's mind from time to time. Example A:

Dreams. Well, what do I have to dream about anyhow? I wanted own my own business. Ever since I was a kid, I practically wanted to be my dad. To have something that was mine, where I was my own boss, my own employee, not to mention the boss of everybody else who worked in my establishment. Every guy wants power, right? Yeah, I wanted that. So I guess you could say that's been a dream of mine. Only now, I actually do own a business. And in doing that, I'd like to think that I've made my dad proud, followed in his legacy, even, in a way. Then there's those pipe dreams you have growing up: dating the most popular/pretty/[insert up-to-date adjective here] girl in school, being the guy everybody likes. I had those too, no use in denying it. People wouldn't think that there was ever a time when I actually cared about what people thought of me, when I cared about being well liked, but there was. But it passed pretty quickly. Example B: 

Fantasies. Ah, the male fantasy. Yes, I've had those types of thoughts, what straight man doesn't? With every human being containing a Y chromosome in their genetic make-up, there's two types: Sexual, and non-sexual. Take Rachel, for instance. For years, I would fantasize about her coming back home and finally staying. For good. At last wanting to make a home with me, realize I was what she wanted, more than the need to move on to a different place. Sometimes, I would be so angry with her that in my scenario, I wouldn't take her back. Unfortunately, that never happened. But by the time that fantasy really was shot, for good, I hardly cared anymore. It sounds horrible, but I knew she saw it. What Rachel said when she left; it was the God's honest truth. And that's what I regret most about her departure. That I let her believe I still felt the same way I did about her when we were in high school, when we thought we'd "be together forever" or whatever sappy dribble couples say typically. That's what I liked about out relationship: it was probably typical, but it wasn't sappy. It wasn't a cheesy, constantly displaying affection kind of relationship. It was…subtle, and I was fine with it. There was the occasional (sometimes frequent) whispering or kissing in public, me buying her something for no reason, etcetera, etcetera, because, as not many people know, I do have a softness in me, a soft side, even, that only comes out full-force around women I am either seeing or am harboring, I guess you could call it, feelings for. That's also, getting back to my point, where the fantasies come in. Both of the aforementioned types. But I usually know, even I "indulge" myself; and don't shake it off right away, that it probably won't happen anyway. Finally, Example C:

Emotions. These, in my humble opinion, are a bitch. They get all mixed up with what's going through your head, and then you don't know what the hell to do. They are the reason I let Rachel move in when she said she wanted to stay. They are the reason I let Jess move back after he had basically destroyed any chance of a good reputation in this town. They're the reasons for a lot of things, but they get complicated, and sometimes, I just don't want to deal with them. Contrary to popular belief, (i.e. Taylor Doose and possibly Kirk) I do actually feel things. Real, honest, things that keep me up at night sometimes, wondering what the hell I'm going to do. Which usually lead to me doing something and nothing, or I go the sensible, obvious route. Sometimes, they overwhelm me, and I wonder how I could possibly feel all this at once, whether it's sadness yet relief that maybe my dad's a little happier up wherever he is now that my uncle's possibly (hopefully) with him, or whether it was the obligation I felt towards Jess, that slowly became tangled with something else I can't quite name. Or maybe I just don't want to. I don't know. But wherever he is, and I'm almost positive it's California, I wonder if he thinks of me as anything more than his buzz kill uncle who he lived with for almost two years when he looks back. Although, I like to think I had the upper hand at times. Emotions, feelings, are what cause people like me to do crazy, out-of-character things, more than once, and sometimes willingly. But I'd like to believe that that's what makes us, well, real. More than just these drones who go through life, routine to routine, day after day, on automatic. They make up our personality, what makes…I really hesitate to say the word, special. Unique. Yeah, there you go. It's a huge part of who everyone is, the spiritual part, even. 

But, the thing is, there is something that makes me different from all the "people like me". All of the "one of those" people. And that is, every "other thing" I possess, is tied somehow to one particular person. Her. 

Lorelai. Who else? Half the town probably already knows by now, but it's something I can't help, and haven't been able to really help for years now. My dreams, my hopes, aside from things like wishing the potatoes I ordered would come when they're actually supposed to, and willing the rain to stop, have involved her for so long that I practically can't remember when it started. There's that dream pretty much everyone has, wanting to get married, settled down, possibly have kids (not sure how I feel about that, but that's a whole other topic, there). Yeah, that crosses my mind. I picture that, and then there's that image in the back of my mind, that after thought, of Lorelai. I can't ever see it being anyone else, and that scares me to death. Because there are so many men out there, and if I never tell her how I feel about her, and why I do, one of them will beat me to it. Of course, that will also mean she has to feel the same way about whoever this is. I can't even imagine how I would feel if she did. Well, it would prove one thing, one of the doubts that have swam through my head a million times: maybe it just wasn't meant to be. But I just can't fathom that, because nothing has ever felt so right to me, as my feelings for her. Guys like me always talk about having a gut feeling about things, but I honestly do feel it in my gut, it's right. Natural, if you will.

As far as fantasies go, she's been the subject of them for a long time, too, but I won't go into that, for obvious reasons. But yes, I've thought about what it would be like to be with her, to finally tell her what the tension in the room screams every time we talk about Nicole or Alex, to kiss her. I'm only human, after all. Do I let them get in the way of being a good friend to her? No. Because if I don't have her friendship, then I don't have anything from her. A thought occasionally surfaces at the back of my mind, saying I could have way more than friendship if I told her everything, but I usually shrug it off. I am "one of those people" after all. Realistic in every way. Which is why, I hardly fantasize at all. But they usually involve her.

It always comes back to her. Seems like it, anyway.

My emotions, as a person, are multi-farious, ranging in all directions. But they are never as strong towards one person as they are for her. My feelings for Lorelai are ones that have kept me up at night, wondering what the hell I should do, if anything. They confuse me, and when they flare up it's the hardest thing in the world to stop myself from just saying to hell with it and doing what I, despite my abilities to express my utter hatred for Taylor Doose till I'm practically blue in the face, or to tell my sister exactly what I think of her style of raising her son, have never really had the guts to do. Why? It all seems so simple, even to me sometimes, but there's the fear of rejection, of humiliation, that comes with the package of feeling like this about someone for a significant period of time. There's the what if's that make you think twice about risking what I already have, or losing it all, for good. There are small things that I know are stupid, but they get to me anyway. No woman has ever made me think and feel so much at the same time, which is when things get complicated. She is the reason for so many, crazy, out-of-character things I've done, I couldn't count them if you asked me to. Would I have ever spent over fifty dollars on a basket from that stupid, ridiculously over-the-top auction for anyone else? Not likely. 

Like I said, all of these things are connected to her, somehow. She's a huge part of my life, and I know I have to either tell her all of this, or stop doing everything I do for her. Jess, obnoxious as he is, was mostly right about what he said a few months back: I have to stop waiting for her to suddenly come around, stop coming back time after time like a faithful golden retriever. In dating Nicole, I figured I was kind of doing that. Taking some action, if you will. I liked her, she liked me, and we worked. It was uncomplicated, simple. Lorelai and mine's relationship is anything but simple. She's a customer, a friend, and then sometimes almost more than a friend. There are those moments, those silences between us, where I almost know she might feel something for me, something like I feel for her. And then they pass. Sometimes I wonder if it's just me, or if it's both of us that are keeping us where we are: friends. But then, she'll show up with a new boyfriend, leading me to think, "Oh, okay, well that obviously wasn't what I thought it was the other day," not that these happen often. Which then leads me to wonder if she's just with this guy to avoid dealing with whatever it is between us, but I always brush it off.

Because I'm realistic. "People like me" don't entertain thoughts like that too often. I like to think it 's for the sake of my sanity. Because, as much as Jess's words that day stung with their honesty, he had it wrong, in a way. I don't do all I do for Lorelai because I'm waiting for her to notice me in a more-than-friends kind of sense. I kind of think she already has, but doesn't really know what to do with it. She's probably thought about it, but that's as far as I think it goes.  I do it because I can't really help it. Because she makes me want to do it for her. Because I want to make her happy, as cheesy as that may sound. And because she's in everything that makes me, as a person, unique, as previously stated. She's the difference.

She's her own "other thing". 

And, if I never tell her, she'll be just another "one of those" things. The one who got away, or something sappy yet painfully true to the person in a situation like that. The last thing I ever want to be is pathetic, which is exactly why I stopped waiting for her when I realized how long I had been. Doesn't change the feelings, though. If, one of these days, Lorelai suddenly has some sort of an epiphany and confesses that she's in love with me or has feelings that go beyond friendship, I honestly don't know what I do. I'd probably be too shocked to react. I'm not sure if I would just go with it and tell her everything right away or not. I guess it depends. Somehow, I feel like it's my responsibility to tell her first, or to make a move first. And I will. Someday. It sounds ridiculous, but I do know I actually will one day. Here I go with the gut talk again, but it's the truth, it's there. 

And, even being one of those people, like I mentioned before, I still think about that moment, that infamous time when I'll tell her, and possibly kiss her. I still want it to be perfect.

Even if I won't admit it. 


End file.
